December 08 National Newsletter   Dealing with difficult people in law practice Dr Chris Day   Dr Chris Day B.Sc (Hons) M. Psych (Clinical) PhD is an Australian Clinical Psychologist

 

 

Dr Chris Day was a keynote speaker at the recent national conference of the Australian Legal Practice Management Association held in Sydney. Here is an abbreviated version of what she had to say.

 

Dealing with difficult people in a law practice

 

Difficult people inhabit many a workplace, including law practices.

 

We are all familiar with the office disharmony caused by bullies, underminers, complainers, sneaks, victims and narcissists.

 

When people aren’t getting along in a law practice, the social atmosphere is unpleasant. People are irritable, frustrated, resentful and don’t really want to be there. They also tend to be uncooperative and use tone of voice and tactics that escalate problems rather than solve them.

 

This results in wasting potential income-earning time as office combatants employ their intelligence and survival skills against their own colleagues.

 

Highly competent staff often choose to depart, leaving the chronic trouble makers and money-losers in their posts ready to wreak even more damage.

 

On the other hand, in healthy, well-functioning practices, colleagues can be confident they will find solutions to most problems; they can innovate; they can cooperate and can create social environments that people want to be in.

 

Necessary skills

Very few of us have been actively taught the necessary skills to create this kind of environment by parents or teachers: it just hasn’t been on the agenda.

 

Instead, we rely on “common sense”, another term for lessons learned though watching others or through the school of hard knocks.

 

However, what appears to be “common sense” is usually incomplete, and often faulty.

 

In fact, it is usually a term for our default modes that can be characterised as either “fight” or “flight”. We put up with it, we backbite in the office, and we vent on our friends and families. Or, we lay down the law or beat people up with policy and procedures.

 

Once we recognise our default modes, we can evaluate whether they produce the results we want.

 

If your strategies are not resulting in harmony and cooperation, consider the following two principles derived from insights arising out of psychological research and practice.

 

First principle: Four strategies

 

The solution to any problematic situation lies in applying one of four strategies:

 

1. Leave: For example, quitting your job, or firing someone – one of you leaves. Leaving is guaranteed to end an intolerable situation, thereby making the pain of it stop to a large extent. Sometimes leaving is the most sensible option. However, before choosing this option, reflect on the fact that most social situations present some kind of challenge.

2. Change the situation: Restructure the chain of command, reorder people’s schedules, go to mediation, learn new skills and apply them. You decide how you want it to be, and then change things to make them better.

3. Accept the situation: This means you adapt to the way things are, but ensure you maintain your integrity by living according to your own values. This involves a recognition that the world is not always as you would wish. Some situations are inevitable and it is you who must learn to fit in.

4. Do nothing: In this case, nothing will change and the pain will continue. If you choose this option, know that you are choosing it consciously and stop burdening others with your complaints. Your situation is apparently not that bad.

 

These strategies are guaranteed to solve anything life has to throw at us.

 

If you have a problem with a difficult person and you decide on option number 2, you need to focus on how you think things should look, and what you can do to move things in that direction.

 

Second principle: Levels of control

 

Become consciously aware of what you can control, and on what you can change.

There are three levels of control: (i) things no individual can control (e.g. the weather, the tides, the seasons) (ii) things others can control but not you (their beliefs, their decisions and behaviours) (iii) things you can control (what you say and do).

 

Know that when you concentrate on situations out of your direct control-- that is things from levels (i) or (ii) -- you are heading for frustration, anger, depression and helplessness.

 

When you want to change a situation, it is vital that you re-orient yourself to figuring out what you want and what is directly within your control to make it happen.

 

Underminer

 

Now let us see how these principles apply in dealing with one particular type of difficult person: the underminer.

 

If you decide you want to change things, you need to first decide what you want. Typically you would want to stop their behaviour and regain any credibility they may have cost you. This means you have opted for strategy 2 – change the situation.

 

Remember, you must focus on what is directly in your control. This leaves you with any number of possible courses of action. However, I would not recommend either ignoring the behaviour or trying to speak to the person about it. Neither will achieve your goals. Such a person is unlikely to stop behaviour they are getting away with. And, if confronted, they are likely to deny they are doing anything.

 

Here are some typical strategies to deal with underminers in meetings:

 

(i) When interrupted, say: “Excuse me, I hadn’t quite finished my point.”
(ii) When questioned, reiterate simple statements and ask the underminer to explain which part of it was confusing for him/her
(iii) Snide remarks? Point out that we were discussing “x” and ask where his/her point fitted in.

 

The key to these strategies is to remain focused on stopping the behaviour. If you switch to seeking revenge or make it part of an escalating war you will be lost. Keep your tone neutral and ask these questions with genuine interest – strive for understanding. It is possible you have misunderstood the intentions and the other person is not an underminer but rather is simply struggling to understand what you are saying.

 

Note that these strategies are directly within your control. They do not depend on a fortuitous change of circumstance or on other people.

 

Guidelines

 

Naturally, dealing with difficult people is more complex and challenging than can be covered in this short article. There are all kinds of unhelpful behaviours and all kinds of strategies for dealing with them.

 

However, here are some general guidelines to dealing with difficult people

 

1. Be pleasant. People don’t want to have relationships with unpleasant people (aggressive, blaming, whining).

2. Figure out what you want. Identify your desired outcome.

3. Keep your eye on the ball. Go for the outcome rather than blaming and shaming

4. Focus on solving the problem. Collaborate with the other person to solve the problem. Pretend it is “out there” separate from both of you.

 

Handling difficult people is one of the most difficult tasks we can undertake, but the rewards of success are commensurate with the challenge.

 

The skills are worth learning in training sessions, and then applied in real life. The most successful people in the world are those who can create and maintain productive teams and who have the support and loyalty of their colleagues.

 

If we act thoughtfully and carefully rather than just react, we greatly increase our chances of success.

Dr Chris Day B.Sc (Hons) M. Psych (Clinical) PhD is an Australian Clinical Psychologist who trains lawyers in dealing with difficult people, resilience against burnout, work-life balance, and preparing for promotion/supervision. Contact: info@drchrisday.com Visit www.drchrisday.com